Alice In The Eve

Oh wow I didn’t see this here. Thank you.
It’s so unbelievably hard.
I’m here if you want to talk. No one I know understands it either

i feel like my emotional capacity can only hold so much..

so at the moment its 40% pain

30% confused

30% completely happy

and there’s no room for anyone else at the moment. i just…can’t. everything hurts too much to even think straight.

i was supposed to be having a baby today.

weird.

upset. guilty. in pain.

wheninmelb:

people need to calm the fuck down! technically, yes, it is the woman’s choice to whether or not she gets an abortion but more often than not - the boys opinion is taken into mind whilst making the decision. so boys, get involved and show you can be trusted with these life changing decisions and then if need be - your opinion will matter.

and all in all - only smart people should have sex. be safe and smart about it, and if you’re one of those people who have had 6 abortions and you aren’t even 20, you might have to rethink some of your life decisions and how careful you’re being and if you should even have sex at all.
don’t abuse the power.

abortions aren’t fun. girls should know that.

i have had 2 and i was safe with my now ex boyfriend the whole time. they have impacted me in ways i wish weren’t even real. they contributed to the end of my relationship. not going to lie, pretty much just avoiding sex in total now. it scares the crap out of me.

when people find themselves in the situation to have an abortion, there are a million ways and reasons that can lead to it, some are more personal then others but no other person has the right to judge.
it is extremely scary if you can’t support the child, or the relationship is abusive or if you’ve been raped…plus a million more.

just…just stop it. it’s hard enough. 99% of people learn their lesson.

so people, when you do have kids - treat them right and make sure they are well educated in the consequences of all the possibilities when it comes to sex.

So, next weekend is a big weekend.

Its the weekend I was supposed to have my first child.

I told one of my close guy friends and he said “yeah but did you want a child?!?” ….which just shows how clearly he doesn’t understand. The only people who understand are the ones that have been through this situation themselves.. which is none of my friends.

I feel okay now, its just bizarre to think about.. i am finally starting to feel normal, if not stuck between amazing/totally fine and constantly feeling like i’m missing something in my life/heartbroken.

So i’m really confused and dreading next weekend. I’m not sure if i’m going to feel okay or not. So i’m just waiting.

I’ve also been thinking that I’ll text my ex, just telling him that thats the weekend he would’ve been a dad. And I know that if I tell any of my friends that I wanted to do that, that they’d just tell me not to because he’s an absolute asshole and no one had ever treated me as badly as him. But even if I was the one putting him through absolute hell, and the roles were reversed, that I would want to know? 
It’d just be a message like this: “hi it’s ali, just letting you know that this weekend was the weekend we were supposed to be parents. i’m okay, just thought you’d want to know! don’t reply if you’re going to be mean or pointless.” 

i don’t want him back. and yes, i suppose on some level i’d LOVE to be able to talk to him about it but i know thats not possible. i just want someone to understand and to talk about this…

he was so so unbelievably cruel last time we spoke, so i’m absolutely terrified to message him and i really don’t want to, but i know that i will.
i feel like this is a million steps backwards because i think im just going to feel like absolute shit whether he replies or not. he’ll either be mean or pointlee back like “why would i want to know?” or “ok….thanks…” or if he doesn’t reply at all ill feel shitty as.
5/6 chances will end with me feeling like crap for a week or so.

go hard or go home right?….

fuck, this is so hard.